It Probably Increases His Creativity at the Plate

Geovany Soto.

Pothead.

He's not exactly burning up at the plate right now.

Perhaps this is the spark that the Cubs need this season.

Was last year just smoke and mirrors?

I'll be here all week. Please tip your waitress.

Brace Yourselves For A HUGE Shocker!

Sammy Sosa was on roids. Whooooaaah, shocking! He was taking steroids and corking his bat? My gosh Sammy, why not just use a pitching machine?

Today's Funny...

...is brought to you by Sammy Sosa (via thebiglead.com):

"I will calmly wait for my induction to the Baseball Hall of Fame. Don't I have the numbers to be inducted?"

He Is Who We Thought He Was

We are 2 weeks into the season, and Milton Bradley has already: fought with the Chicago media, gotten hurt (and isn't close to returning) and been suspended.

Oh, and he has 1 hit.

Other than that, he's off to a pretty good start in Chicago.

Insert Joke Here

A Cubs themed cemetery. There's so many directions to go with this one...I'll let you guys roll with it.

If there was an "Todd Coffey" cemetery, I'd do it.

Well, At Least It Was Entertaining

Tough series, but at least it was entertaining. A few things we learned this weekend:

- Jeff Suppan sucks. Actually, we learned that a while ago. Now we know why St Louis wouldn't offer him more than a two year deal.
- I must say, Fielder's robbed grand slam last night was pretty sweet.
- The Weeks tease is upon us. Looked decent at the plate, good on the basepaths, and really good in the field.
- The bullpen...yuck.
- Corey Hart is swinging a solid bat...don't tell Goldy. He even had two walks the other night!
- The Brewers struck out 33 times. That's a problem.

Off Day...

And...we're off today. I'll be taking off work in another hour. 10 bucks says Goldy is already in the bag.

Don't fret over the large amount of Cubs fans today people. Again, you must pity them. Rooting for the biggest choke artist's in the history of baseball can't be fun for an entire century. Keep the aspirin ready for them.

If you see this guy at the Stadium Friday...

...mock him mercilessly. He's probably a Cubs fan.

Job Hunting In Chicago

The Chicago Cubs hosted a job fair over the weekend at Wrigley Field.

Reports indicate that the Cubs were searching for, among other things, cashiers, maintenance workers, and a Chairperson of the Playoff Victory Search Committee, a position that has been vacant for some time.

H/T to Wrigleyville for the story.

RosenBeautiful!

Our pal Wrigleyville unearthed a gem of a post from a guy named Steve Rosenbloom, who writes the cleverly-named "RosenBlog" for the Chicago Tribune.

In Rosenbloom's RosenBlog post in question, Rosenbloom (via the RosenBlog) says the following:

Good news, Cubs fans: The Brewers have reached their daily ATM limit for payroll. They’re somewhere between $79 million and $82 million, and that’s enough, said owner Mark Attanasio.

If true, the Brewers’ starting rotation looks pretty much like this: Yovani Gallardo, Dave Bush, Jeff Suppan, Manny Parra and Seth McClung. The Cubs’ biggest problem will be avoiding hamstrings racing for the bat rack.

Remember, the Brewers struggled to get into the playoffs with CC Sabathia and Ben Sheets at the top of the rotation. The Brewers’ bullpen was legendarily bad, especially with big leads, and when you’re sad to see Salomon Torres leave, you’ve got bigger issues.

I know the Brewers can hit, but they can’t out-hit their own pitching staff, nor the Cubs'. So, it’s the Cubs in a rout in this rivalry.

Quick, someone tell Lou Piniella how easy this will be. We could use his reaction to keep us amused until pitchers and catchers report.

This is a stunningly stupid post. Let's examine it further:

Good news, Cubs fans: The Brewers have reached their daily ATM limit for payroll. They’re somewhere between $79 million and $82 million, and that’s enough, said owner Mark Attanasio.

Daily ATM limit for payroll? That doesn't even make sense. But nice try.

If true, the Brewers’ starting rotation looks pretty much like this: Yovani Gallardo, Dave Bush, Jeff Suppan, Manny Parra and Seth McClung. The Cubs’ biggest problem will be avoiding hamstrings racing for the bat rack.

Avoiding hamstrings? Huh? If that is the Cubs' biggest problem look out!

Remember, the Brewers struggled to get into the playoffs with CC Sabathia and Ben Sheets at the top of the rotation. The Brewers’ bullpen was legendarily bad, especially with big leads, and when you’re sad to see Salomon Torres leave, you’ve got bigger issues.

I'd like to know what Rosenbloom's definition of "legendarily bad" is. When I go back and look at the stats from 2008, I see that the Brewers' bullpen was 4th in the NL in ERA at 3.89 (Cubs were 8th at 4.10), tied for 4th in fewest losses with 24 (with Cubs and Dogers), 6th in batting average against (Cubs 7th at .251), 6th in OPS against at .722 (Cubs 11th at .741), tied for 12th in blown saves with 26 (Cubs tied for 10th with 24), tied for 7th in WHIP at 1.39 (Cubs tied for 3rd at 1.33). I could go on. Point is, the stats seem to say that this was an above-average bullpen when you look at the entirety of 2008. Did they blow some games? Sure - some spectacularly (I'm thinking the Arizona game and the Cubs game). But overall they were pretty solid. And they were damn near impregnable in the playoffs, if you recall, when the starting pitchers were sucking wind and going about 4 innings. Had Rosenbloom done any research for his RosenBlog, he might not write idiotic things.

I know the Brewers can hit, but they can’t out-hit their own pitching staff, nor the Cubs'. So, it’s the Cubs in a rout in this rivalry.

I am certain that the Brewers positional players can out-hit their pitching staff. The Brewers pitchers are not good hitters. Similarly, although Big Z is a good hitter, I am certain that the Brewers positional players can out-hit the Cubs pitchers. If Rosenbloom possessed adequately-functioning neurons, he might not write idiotic things.

Quick, someone tell Lou Piniella how easy this will be. We could use his reaction to keep us amused until pitchers and catchers report.

Hopefully, Rosenbloom can deliver a copy of this post to Lou personally, and catch his reaction on tape. Likely as not, having to deal with this guy semi-regularly, Lou already knows that Rosenbloom is one step removed from brain death, but it still might be amusing.

St Louis Does Not Like The Cubs

Would have been even better if a hammered Tony LaVodka tried spelling this...

It All Adds Up

On Monday, Chicago Cubs General Manager Jim Hendry circulated an internal memorandum to the front office staff to inform employees of a change in the club's preferred courier, from DHL to FedEx.

"In light of the restructuring of DHL's global shipping enterprise, the Chicago Cubs have negotiated a preferred shipping rate with FedEx," Hendry said in the memorandum. "Effective immediately, please utilize FedEx for all of your ground and air shipping needs. The savings that the club will realize from this new partnership with FedEx is exciting for the franchise."

As with each offseason move made by the Cubs, the news of the change in couriers spread quickly to the team's fanbase, all of whom are searching for ulterior motives for the move.

"This has to be related to Peavy, IMHO," said commenter "Cubz4evah2006" on a Chicago Sun-Times message board. "Hendry is freeing up finances to make another run. Make the move Jim!!!!!"

Cubz4evah2006 then went on to list the entire Cubs 25-man roster with Peavy in the fold, and said that now that the Cubs rotation has Peavy it is "just sick."

Other Cubs commenters had similar feelings.

"Peavy is from the South. FedEx is based in Memphis. It fits." affirmed "GraceyRyno", commenting on a blog post on top-25 Cubs blog "BleedCubbieBlue". "DHL is based in like Germany or something."

The FedEx move is the latest in a long line of transactions related to the inevitable acquisition of Jake Peavy from San Diego, which includes the trade for Kevin Gregg, the decision not to re-sign Kerry Wood, the trade of Mark DeRosa, the trade of Felix Pie, the re-signing of Ronny Cedeno, and the free agent acquisition of Milton Bradley.

Insert Board Game Joke Here

Cubs fans in the bleachers are expected to be on high alert and on the lookout for flying plastic bottles next season, and announcers from opposing teams in the NL should expect a personal visit if they say anything mean about the Cubs new rightfielder, because Milton Bradley is a Cub.

The relationship between Milton and Lou is probably one of those weird marriages that looks horrible on paper but will end up working. He better not try to take Ted Lilly out of a game, though - that dude will swing at you.

Dempster Returns to Chicago

Ryan Dempster has re-signed with the Cubs. The deal is reported to be 4 years and $52 million. Dempster has been rewarded handsomely for his excellent 2008 performance.

My gut reaction is that the money sounds about right (average of $13 m per year) but the length of the deal might be a year too long, if I'm a Cubs fan. But I suppose that's the market for pitchers like Dempster.

I'll be honest, that guy shocked me last year - I kept waiting for him to hit a wall but he didn't. We'll see if it continues, but the Cubs got their guy.

No More Wood in Chicago

Cub-dom is in mourning, as the Cubs have announced that they won't re-sign Kerry Wood.

It's odd that by and large, Cubs fans have such an affinity to the oft-injured Wood while most Brewers fans are telling the oft-injured Ben Sheets to not let the door hit him on the way out of town.

Perhaps it is because Wood seemed to work his ass off to get back from his injuries, while the perception (right or wrong) was that Sheets got these weird injuries because he was lazy in his conditioning. The fact that Wood signed for a perceived hometown discount last year helped too, I'd guess.

Anyway, add one more name to the closer pool, and take one away, as the Cubs traded for Kevin Gregg today.

Justice!

Remember the story about the classless drunken Cubs fans who knocked out the guy from Stallis after the Stallis guy threw a beer can at their bus in the Miller Park parking lot after a game this summer?

Looks like the two guys will be spending a little time at the ol' "House of Corrections" in Franklin for the next couple months.

The man who they beat down didn't sound like he had a pleasant rest of the summer because...well...he had to have his mouth wired shut for 5 weeks:

"It was torture," he told the court. "No barbecues or nothing."

Well anyway, justice is served. The two clowns will end up paying the full cost of the man's medical bills, and serve various times at the Franklin House of Corrections (albeit it will be on work release).

The best quote of the story though comes from the lawyer of one of the criminals:

"Perhaps it was seen as an attack on the Chicago Cubs," he replied, "which, in their intoxicated state, they felt they had to defend."

Nice rationalization sir. Not a physical attack on a person, not an attack of a player on their team...but an attack on the concept of the team, of what the team represents. They felt they had to defend "their team" by clocking some poor schmuck from the Stallis in his jaw.

Class.

"What did I do wrong?"

This article is a must read. Stop what you are doing right now and give it a nice 10 minutes. You won't be disappointed.

It's a "where is Steve Bartman now" piece that has a little bit of everything. It gives a history of game 6 (I forgot they were up 3-0 in the game!!), quotes from his old friends and people who were around him during the actual game, and stories from the fallout.

I particularly enjoy the parts where the security guards tell their stories of getting him out of Wrigley.

Four blocks from the stadium, Bartman told the guards he'd be OK and encouraged them to return to Wrigley. "He was shaking our hands and from across the street someone recognized him - 'That's the guy!' " Amundsen said. "They were screaming. People were following us, yelling at us."

Ahhh...just rich stuff. You've got to love that franchise. I wonder if these were the guys the guards were referring to?Found linked on Sports by Brooks.

It's gonna happen!

Little Johnny was in his 4th grade class when the teacher asked the children
what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up - Fireman, Truck Driver, Salesman, etc.

Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him
about his father. 'My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and
takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's
really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy for money.'

The teacher, obviously shaken by his statement immediately changed the
subject and hurriedly set the other children to work on a coloring project.

She then took Little Johnny aside and asked him, 'Is that true about your
father?' 'No,' said Johnny. 'He plays baseball for the Chicago Cubs,
but I was just too embarrassed to say that.'

Road Trip - Miller Park South

I was invited to attend the Brewers - Cubs game last night in Wrigley Field. It occurred to me...that i haven't done a running diary of sorts in almost a year (back on my old site). So, with that in mind, and realizing that this could have some serious potential, I took notes the entire trip to and back from Wrigley. Before we get to that, here is a prologue to my current mental state before said trip:
On Monday, I arrive at my office and sit down at my desk. It is then I discover a sewer-like odor. Looking around for the culprit, I eventually realize it is myself. Well...my shirt that is. I've been warned before about leaving clothes in the washer after it's done for too long. I learned that the hard way Monday. I stunk like salty bananas. I couldn't go home to change my shirt...so I basically avoided people all day and hung out in my own stench.
On Tuesday, I thought I was going to have a heart attack at work due to stress. I've been known to take things a little too much to heart. I actually had to take a 10 minute walk to calm down. I was able to calm down a little after work by reading the works of this guy...but watching the Brewer game eventually led to more sorrow.
So you can see...if the Brewers don't win on Wednesday, I'm going to be in poor shape...on to the circus:
338 pm - I leave DT Milwaukee to head to the Chicago...or as I prefer to call it...the Sixth level of hell. I have a sub with me, a tin of chew, and several CD's. I'm hoping to get to where I was meeting the other guy I was with by 6.
430 pm - I see a sign close to the border that says 51 miles to Chicago. I think to myself..."Great! I'll be there in under an hour! (HA)"
436 pm - Stopped at a toll. There is a taxi in front of me. A question I pondered...if you are in a taxi, who pays for the toll? The driver or passenger?
438 pm - I hide no shame for my utter disdain of Illinois. When I crossed the border a few minutes back a shudder actually went down my spine, as I entered the unholy land. As I pass Six Flags, I see a sign that says, "Milwaukee Ave," and for a while I actually felt at ease remembering my cozy city. This feeling quickly evaporates however, when I realize that we're in a 45 mph zone...and there is nobody going below 78 mph. What a state.
541 pm - Deep in the stuck in traffic game. We pass Cicero Ave, and I couldn't help but wonder if this road was named after the Roman Senator/Orator/Coward. Cicero was known for deceit, cowardice, and a lack of fortitude. I decide I like using those words to describe Illinois and it's inhabitants.
615pm - Arive at the parking lot and hop on the El. Pull up to Wrigley. Cool shit.
630pm - Scene a lot different then Miller Park North. Guys are trying to pawn off shirts to me that say "Cubtober" and "Obama/Fukudome 08."
645pm - Inside the stadium. I go up to order beers (Old Style...are you kidding me?). As a 25 year old male, I anticipate no problems with this. I hand the vendor my ID. He says, "sorry sir, but I can't serve you." At first I thought he was joking with me because I'm from WI but that wasn't the case. My card was one of those cards I got 6 years ago that say "Under 21 until X." Apparently in IL, there is a statute that states NOBODY can be served beer with that sort of ID. Even if that ID is valid and not expired (like in my case). They seriously will not serve beer to people of age. Ladies and gentleman: Billups of the Week, the Illinois State Legislature!
646pm - Walking back disgusted, this female Cubs fan SCREAMS at me: "HEY...WHERE's NED YOST?" I shrug and say something like, "probably in his garden." She responds: "HE's PUNCHING SOME POLAR BEARS!" I look at her like she's an alien and walk away, dumbfounded.
720pm - 1st inning with Prince up with the bases juiced, I announce that I just want 2 runs to score...that's it. No more. When he rips his double, I go nuts and the crowd goes silent. I'm wearing my Fielder jersey. As I stand and clap, "I hear softly, "It's over for you...don't you understand."
758pm - In the 3rd inning I see Mark DeFelice in the game. I open my mouth...saying some choice words for Mr. Ben Sheets that revolved around lack of genitalia. I later find out he has some sort of arm injury...which relaxes me a little because at least that is legitimate. Anybody still think we should sign him again? Anybody? He's a lemon.
835pm - Rally chew. Soriano's up with a runner on 2nd with 2 outs. Let's go.
836pm - Nice try Soriano.
850pm - Kendall on 3rd with 1 out after getting a 3 second jump on a steal from first to second and then a passed ball on the same play. Brad Nelson (batting at the time) strikes fear into the souls of the Cubs' pitching staff with a solid walk.
852pm - Again, I just want 1 run. Just 1. Runners on 1st & 3rd 1 out. Just 1.
855pm - K bye. Brewers September in a nutshell. Still up 3-1 though.
918pm - Biggest sigh of relief I've had in a while. Braun, Fielder, Hardy, & Hart all get on base consecutively, with Hart actually getting a base hit again. I feel good. Relaxed.
930pm - OMG...Eric Gagne is coming into the game. I bow my head in agony. People around me are laughing hysterically. "You guys really don't want to win do you?" "Why are you putting him in? You don't want to make the Playoffs do you?" "I guess you guys want to play extra innings!"
935pm - Eric Gagne is the man.
944pm - Prince is up to his last at-bat. I think it's the 9th. People are calling him, "Skittles" and "Milky Way." A guy about 10 rows back yells, "SERIOUSLY, HIT HIM!" I chuckled.
1012pm - Ship the Victory. There will be no "Go Cubs Go" blasting on the damn speakers. I hate that song. It's eerily silent walking out of the stadium and I'm highfiving other Brewer fans. I point this out to the guy I was with (Cubs fan) several times just so he's aware.
1025pm - Stuck in a pool of Cubbie Blue waiting to get back on the EL. A fan tries to get a "8 games back" chant going. It doesn't start up.
1026pm - Still waiting. A guy a few people behind me says, "Seriously, they shouldn't even let the Brewers fans on. They are just a waste of space."

At that point, I called it quits with the notes. That comment is about as classy as it gets.

Excellent time. Spent about 5 combined hours driving last night...but it was worth it.

Harden: Handle With Care

I'm sensing a bit of frustration, and perhaps a philosophical disagreement, between Sweet Lou and Jim Hendry regarding Rich Harden.

Harden, you see, is going to miss what amounts to two turns in the Cubs rotation, although Harden insists that he's not hurt.

This makes sense, I guess, seeing as the Cubs are a virtual lock for the playoffs and it has been a virtual lock that Harden gets hurt every year. The timing does seem a bit odd, given that Zambrano also appears to be hurt right now. And Lou doesn't seem happy.

Piniella:

"He needed the time, obviously," manager Lou Piniella said. "If he could pitch, we would have kept him in the rotation."

Pressed about Harden's long down time, Piniella said: "He needed the time, we'll just leave it at that."

Hendry:

"We talked about making sure we did this six weeks ago [after the trade from Oakland], that sooner or later we would [have to skip one start]," said Hendry, who noted Harden has been given extra days of rest between starts twice.

"We would skip one if we were five [games] behind [in the Central]. He has [22] starts for the year. He hasn't done that since '04."

When Harden was on the trading block, you heard rumblings that Billy Beane didn't care much for Harden's makeup or willingness to take the ball every fifth game.

Maybe that is what Lou is irritated about.