We were reminiscing at work about the good old days...gym class - the best hour of the day. Based on our discussions, here’s a few of the most memorable (good and bad) events in every child’s gym class. (Note: Dodgeball is not included, too easy. That’s an entire post by itself.)
6) Wrestling - Middle School: Weight classes were pretty much ignored. Especially with that one kids who matured earlier than everybody else. You know, the 6th grader with a full-grown beard. He went like 192 pounds and dominated pee-wee football. The next heaviest kid in class was like 161, which was unfortunate for him. But regardless of size, every weight class had the slow, stinky kid. You wanted no part of this guy. He smelled like a combination of drool, manure, and yesterdays lunch. And I'm supposed to wrestle this kid? Come on. Finally, there was the one kid who was a really good wrestler. In my class, it was (he might frequent this site) Ryan B. Not very big, but an excellent athlete - just took kids apart. On the last day, the teacher lined everybody up and we all got a chance at Ryan. It was like an assembly line, one after another. Kids who played the flute, math nerds, and the generally un-athletic all got their turn. The hopeless eventually just laid down as soon as stepping onto the mat. I managed to run in circles for a while, staying on the mat longer than most...and then succumbed to the inevitable. Pretty much everybody was excited to see the conclusion of wrestling in gym class.
6) Wrestling - Middle School: Weight classes were pretty much ignored. Especially with that one kids who matured earlier than everybody else. You know, the 6th grader with a full-grown beard. He went like 192 pounds and dominated pee-wee football. The next heaviest kid in class was like 161, which was unfortunate for him. But regardless of size, every weight class had the slow, stinky kid. You wanted no part of this guy. He smelled like a combination of drool, manure, and yesterdays lunch. And I'm supposed to wrestle this kid? Come on. Finally, there was the one kid who was a really good wrestler. In my class, it was (he might frequent this site) Ryan B. Not very big, but an excellent athlete - just took kids apart. On the last day, the teacher lined everybody up and we all got a chance at Ryan. It was like an assembly line, one after another. Kids who played the flute, math nerds, and the generally un-athletic all got their turn. The hopeless eventually just laid down as soon as stepping onto the mat. I managed to run in circles for a while, staying on the mat longer than most...and then succumbed to the inevitable. Pretty much everybody was excited to see the conclusion of wrestling in gym class.
5) Pickleball - High School - The other guys had no idea what I was talking about. Maybe it's a Port Washington thing. Basically, it's indoor tennis with a shorter net, an oversized ping-pong paddle and a whiffle ball. Good, no GREAT times! Matt and I were partners and rolled the competition until we met the gooniest set of doubles you could imagine. I'll save those details, but let's just say there wasn't an athletic bone in their bodies. Turns out, they were good. Really good. They revolutionized PWHS Pickleball by putting one player at the net and one on the baseline. We didn't know what to do....it was like seeing the wishbone formation for the first time. I haven’t seen Pickleball since, but would like to…it was pretty damn fun.
4) The Mile - Middle School - It was an annual event. As soon as the teacher declared "We're running The Mile next Thursday," kids were scrambling for excuses not to run. Some would "forget" their sneakers, many became sick, and a few would even mysteriously develop asthma over the weekend. At the sound of the gun, a few groups would soon develop: A) The Pacesetters - The future high school cross country folk who enjoy running from Wisconsin to Idaho on a "light run." Don't even try to keep up with these freaks. B) The Nerds - They would sprint for the first 50 feet, just so they could say they were "winning" at some point...and then fizzle out. Yeah, they might get straight A's in the classroom, but somehow forget there's another 5,230 feet to go. C) Biggins. As soon as the whistle sounds, they walk. The entire way. Zero effort. They were the same group of girls who made a circle in right-center field during softball. You'd purposely hit the ball in that general direction just to watch them scatter. D) The Cheerio Gang. A bunch of zeros. Our running course went around the football field, weaved through some tennis courts, then back around the gridiron. Well, the Teacher couldn't see behind the tennis courts, which made for a perfect opportunity for a few guys to bust out the smokes and fire up a Camel. During the Mile Run! Hilarious! E) Everyone Else. This group was down to about 5 kids by the finish line.
3) Gymnastics - Middle School. The rings, pommel horse, balance beam, bars...yep, this was about as gay as you would imagine. That rope hanging from the ceiling always made for good comedy. Some kids couldn't move up that thing an inch. Check that, a milimeter. Some would scoot right up to the top without breaking a sweat, like they were part squirrel. The rest? They'd climb up about half way and get nervous. I have no idea why. That quarter-inch thick blue pad 15 feet below would certainly break your fall. Or not. To close out the gymnastics session, there was a test. Everybody had to do a routine in front of the entire class using three pieces of equipment of your choice. It was pure hell. Falling off the balance beam while trying a somersault is bad…but not as bad as crashing to the ground it in front of 75 fifth graders.
2) Floor Hockey - Middle/High School. This was fun. It was a pretty sweet gym class sport. Unless you had the crazy guy in your class. The rule was simple: NO SLAP SHOTS! The blade of your stick had to stay below your knees. Nothing but wristers, right. Tell that to crazyman. There were always a few guys who’d wind up that slappy well over his head and let it fly. No chance of those tiny plastic shin guards stopping that freight train. Obviously, there was NO CHECKING. It's co-ed for Pete's sake. One guy in particular, Steve, thought otherwise. I like Steve. Good guy, funny. But a little off kilter…Junior year he read Mein Kampf just for the hell of it. Give this guy a hockey stick and it was on. Our high school gymnasium had a number of doors leading right into a main hallway. For no reason whatsoever, Steve decides to do a seek and destroy mission on an unsuspecting girl named Jenny. The puck isn't even remotely close to her and our friend Steve cross-checks her right out one of the doors and into the hallway. Checks her clear out of the fucking gym! A few moments go by before the poor girl opens the door, stumbling back into the gym all weak-legged and starry-eyed with tears running down her face. A classic gym class moment indeed!
1) Square Dancing - Frosh Year High School: WTF was the point of this, except to create the most awkward experience of your adolescent life? It starts on day one when the oversized gym teacher says "OK, everybody pick a partner." Of course there's only one decent looking chick in the class, who’s snapped up faster than you can say "promenade." So you're stuck dancing awkwardly with some creature you'll never speak to the rest of your high school days. And it didn't help that my movements were as fluid as a Holstein with a bad leg. Good God, the horror! And who’s ever used these square dancing skills since? Didn’t think so.
