Thursday, July 17, 2008

Tiger Blogs The Open Championship

Since 1996, every major golf championship has included one constant - Eldrick "Tiger" Woods.

However, with Tiger laid up after reconstructive surgery on his knee, we asked whether he'd be interested in blogging the Open Championship from the perspective of a 14-time major winner.

Here's what we got:


Hi folks - Eldrick here. Here comes my blog about the Open Championship. I have the TNT coverage on my plasma, a glass of iced tea on my coffee table, and a Buick in my garage - let's go.

7:22 a.m.

Jesus - it looks pretty windy there. And it's raining. Holy hell - is this how it always looks on TV? Jupiter Island, Florida never looked so good.

7:43 a.m.

Boy, Phil is really sucking balls. He looks even fatter when he has to wear all of that rain gear. Hey look everyone - it's a big, black, KPMG blimp! I'm so in shape.

8:12 a.m.

So Ian Baker Finch wins an Open 20 years ago and this means we have to listen to him blather on the tube for the rest of our lives? This is a guy who, at the end of his career, couldn't have hit a fairway that was 400 yards wide! He once shot a 92 in an Open round! He's David Duval with an Australian accent. Christ this is going to be a long day - I wonder if Elin has any vodka around here?

8:33 a.m.

Ohhhh nooooooo, Padraig Harrington hurt his wrist working out last week, but he's so tough and is still playing in the Open. He's like +2. I'm so impressed! It would be even more impressive if he had a broken leg and torn ACL and still could win the tournament. But that's impossible, Eldrick! Who could ever do that?

8:59 a.m.

Well, I cracked open a bottle of Grey Goose, in honor of Retief Goosen who is playing pretty well right now. Does vodka and iced tea go well together? I don't know because pops never let me drink while I was golfing. Which was all the time, so really I've never drank booze before. I made Elin go down to the liquor store to get me some.

9:02 a.m.

Holy shit, man! This booze is strong! I'm so wasted, probably.

9:04 a.m.

Phil really blows. Maybe if he hit the ball righty he'd have better luck. Man he sucks. I'm so much better than him and I am better looking than he is and Elin is way better looking than his wife, and my daughter is better than all of his daughters combined. And Nike is better than Callaway. And my Buick is way better than his car. Or helicoptor. Or whatever he drives.

10:21 a.m.

So I am on my second vodka and iced tea. Phil still sucks.

11:24 a.m.

I sort of forgot to blog anything in the last little while. Elin tried to make me change a diaper, but I said, hey, I'm on the couch with my knee immobilized, and I'm totally drunk. Why would you think that it's a good idea for me to change a diaper right now?

11:58 a.m.

So these chumps are like +1 or worse today. Phil is pretty much +2930 right now. He should just quit golf. Is it always so hilarious to watch this stuff on TV?

12:14 p.m.

Have you guys ever had Doritos? I just tried one - holy hell! It's like a party in your mouth! But how do I get this orange crap off of my fingers? Maybe I'll just lick it off. Vodka, Doritos - what else was dad hiding from me?

12:34 p.m.

What, just because I'm not playing in the tournament, Buick doesn't run any of my commercials? Nike doesn't either? What about American Express? Tiger Gatorade? I just have to watch this crap about TNT's "The Closer" and that Rolex commercial over and over? Or this dumb Lexus commercial with Chi Chi F'ing Rodriguez? Is he even still alive?

1:10 p.m.

I'm totally drunk. I mean, if being drunk means that your stomach feels bad, and your head feels all light, and I'd probably miss 1 out of 50 5-foot putts with a major championship on the line.

1:16 p.m.

Hey - my man Rocco is playing well! I hope he wins.

1:23 p.m.

I must be totally drunk. The TV is telling me that Greg Norman is in contention in this tournament. Hello! Is it 1993? Are these players really that bad, that Greg Norman is on the first page? I'd have won this tournament by 10 strokes. On Thursday. Everyone else would have quit.

1:34 p.m.

I don't feel very good. I don't know what Reteif is talking about - Grey Goose is terrible. I think I need to close my eyes.

2:32 p.m.

Elin! The baby must have walked down here and puked on the couch where I was laying while I was sleeping! Come clean this shit up - it smells like Doritos! No I didn't eat any Doritos - the baby must have!

3:46 p.m.

Well, Elin put me to bed and hid the vodka and Doritos. But I snuck out to finish this up. It looks like my guy Rocco is leading along with some guy named G. McDowell and Robert Allenby. I always get Allenby and Appleby mixed up - which one is the one who wears the sunglasses? I mean, one of you just switch your goddamn name - who can keep all of these Aussies straight? I don't think I'm going to be allowed to blog any more. I hope you enjoy the rest of the Open, and here's hoping that Rocco wins.


woziszeus said...

We need a big day today out of Richard Sterne.

Anonymous said...

That's Gold

Anonymous said...

I assume this is the last day for Chuckie Hacks ?? You guys must have Peter Francis Geraci on the line for your bankruptcy hearing later today. I mean its to be expected after shelling out untold sums to Tiger to blog for you. It's been fun guys....

Anonymous said...

That's kind of how my golf game ended, of course I found vodka when I was sixteen.
I predict a steady climb to a 12 handicap.
It was a good run there Tiger and welcome to my world.

Goldy said...

I blame the site's accountant. He said the Google ad revenue was enough to get Tiger Woods. We didn't know he was talking about Tiger Woods 08 for PlayStation.

woziszeus said...

You gotta reinvest Goldy in your're either growing or your dying...ha.