Monday, January 28, 2008

MLB ALL TIME LEADERS - COUGAR POON

With Spring Training only about a month away, I think its only fitting for a top 5 list. While some stat guys might be obsessed with knowing who has the highest OBP, WHIP, or VORP, I prefer to rank players based on TPAC-40 (Tail Pulling Ability - Cougars over 40).

While there are some MLB players that currently show a lot of TPAC-40 (see Braun, Ryan), I would like to take a little time and honor those veterans whose ability should be remembered for centuries to come.

So without further adieu...

1. Lenny Harris
The all-time leader in pinch hits takes home the award for most butt-getting. I remember years back reading an article when the whole "Is Mike Piazza gay?" thing was happening. Piazza said something in the article about how Lenny Harris had warned him when he was coming up in the Show that times have changed and at all times he recommended "wrapping your shit up" or something like that. After hearing that I immediately determined this was a typical day in the life of Lenny Harris:
- 1130am: Wake up in hotel room, kick her out, get room service.
-2pm: Stroll into ballpark...hit afternoon buffet in clubhouse.
-5pm: Few games of pepper.
-9pm: Softtoss.
-915pm: Game winning pinch hit.
-11pm - 130pm: Bar, cougar hunt, pass out.
2. Mickey Tettleton
Mickey Tettleton had everything: Bad-ass name, bad-ass batting stance, the ability to hit bombs, and immense patience (check out his career stats, dude walked a ridiculous amount of times!). Can't you just picture this guy waiting patiently at a hotel bar, sipping on a cold one and just waiting for the woman he wanted? Then at that time, he either went for the home run or walked away, just like he did on the baseball field baby.

3. Chris Sabo
Remember the scene in the movie "American Psycho" where Christian Bale is having carnal knowledge with two hookers while constantly looking at himself in the mirror and the Phil Collin's song "Sussudio" is blasting in the background (feel free to look it up on youtube, I'd link it on here, but this is a family blog)? For some reason, whenever I watch that scene, I just imagine Chris Sabo doing the exact same thing while wearing his famous rec-specs. Unfortunately his major league career only lasted 9 seasons, otherwise he'd definitely be #2 on this list.

4. Antonio Alfonseca.
You all might think I'm crazy...but take a close look at Alfonseca's all-natural 6th shocker and then try to argue with me that this guy didn't have some serious TPAC-40.




5. Jesse Orosco
I feel like I have to throw Jesse on this list...only for the longevity factor. The guy was running around different hotels in the US for parts of 4 decades. The law of averages has to apply here right? Even if he only pulled in 1 cougar a week over the course of his ridiculous career he still has to rank pretty high on the list.


That's my list. Got anyone to add? Agree/Disagree?

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

No Ray King?

Htiek said...

Don't you think Gracie should be on this list? Anyone that coined the "Slumpbuster" or openly talked about how he would take Kerry Wood out to get him laid should be up there.

Plus, I think it will make Tony happy to talk about Mark Grace again.

highplaya said...

Doug Jones...Cougars love moustache rides

Goldy said...

This is the type of well crafted insight we were expecting when we brought Woz on board. Excellent work.

Not so anonymous Jake said...

Mitch Williams, the "Wild Thing" tag worked for Rick Vaughn.

Wrigleyville said...

so while watching borderly porn scenes, you think of ... chris sabo?

sick bastard.

brad said...

Jeff Kent. That 70s porn stache was made for 40 year olds...

Tony M said...

I agree with Htiek, Mark Grace has to be in the discussion. Plus Chris Sabo? WTF, first he steals Grace's ROY and a now the Cougar porn title. That has to suck.