The Real Milwaukee Bucks Preview

When did Jim McIlvaine play for the Bucks? Oh, wait...

The Bucks deserve a well thought out preview in honor of tipping off their 40th season tonight. Nah, you're not getting one here. I'm going a different route. Besides mediocrity, Milwaukee has been known for having an unbelievable collection of tall, white stiffs that can only be matched by the Kansas Jayhawks. It all started in 1977 when Milwaukee had the #1 overall pick in the draft and selected....

Kent Benson - This turd sandwich was not only one of the worst #1 picks of all time, he's also a first class A-hole. Benson was big man on campus at Indiana, starring on their 1976 undefeated title team along with Scott May and Quinn Buckner. Unfortunately for the Hoosiers, he (along with Bobby Knight) treated a certain Freshman so badly he decided to transfer. His name? Larry Bird. Benson hung around Milwaukee for 2+ years before being traded. Benson averaged a whopping 9 points in 11 NBA seasons. And you thought Bogut was disappointing.

Danny Schayes - Good Lord this guy had more body hair than Teen Wolf. He also had a sweet non-curly white guy afro, which is impressive. Schayes was just a guy for 18 NBA seasons. Oh, and he was a player on the gold medal-winning US team at the 1977 Maccabia Games. If anybody has ever seen a minute of action at any event in the Maccabia Games, you're a liar.

Larry Krystowiak - Current Coack K was a lunch-pail type guy who was a big fan favorite...until his right leg went "Tim Krumrie" while stepping on a wet spot during a drive to the hoop. His career was never the same.

Frank Brickowski - Honestly, other than the flat-top, I don't remember much about this guy.

Fred Roberts - Roberts was the most athletic guy of the bunch, or, the best smelling diaper...however you want to look at it. At 6'-7" Roberts was more of a 3 guard than a big stiff. Always had a soft spot for Freddy with his sweet flat top and his inability to guard Jordan. Somehow, he was always the guy assigned to MJ, which never went well.

Randy Breuer/Paul Mokeski - Houston had Sampson and Olajuwon. Boston had McHale and Parish. Milwaukee had Frankenstein and Sloth from Goonies. These two guys are the poster children of hanging around the league just because you're a seven-footer with a pulse. Good Lord were they terrible. These guys made Chuck Nevitt look athletic. Career averages: 5 points, 4 rebounds. But not fret, they (Mo, at least) was equally deficient off the court. He was busted in 2000 with possession of cocaine. Did you expect anything else?

Brad Lohaus - The proverbial "7-footer stuck in a shooting guards body." Maybe he was just a precursor to Dirk Nowizki? Never mind. Plus, he had a sweet mullet. Basketball-Reference says his nickname was "Big Bird!" I certainly don't remember that, but I like it! Big Bird got himself into a little trouble back in '05 for failing to deliver fishing rods he sold on eBay. Apparently, on the court wasn't the only time he's failed to deliver. ZING!

Jack Sikma - The curly haired Sikma was pretty good. He even made a few all-star teams. He also preferred to bomb threes than learn an actual post move.

Joel Pryzbilla - 'Billa's minutes were mostly spent collecting fouls and goal tending shots. Seriously, he got called for a foul nearly every time down court. His nickname of "The Eraser" never quite materialized in Milwaukee, although he's not terrible in Portland.

Andrew Bogut - Bogut has skills. He can pass well, rebound, and score a little bit. What he doesn't have is a single post move or any defensive game. The next post player he shuts down will be the first. He still has time to improve, but why is it when Milwaukee gets the #1 pick it's Andy and not Duncan, Shaq, or LeBron? Bogut's certainly more Pervis Ellison than any of those guys. Ah, yes...it couldn't go any other way for the Bucks.

Milwaukee Bucks Basketball...it's FAAAAAAAAN-TASTIC!!!