Open Letter to Packer Kickers

Dear Jon Ryan and Mason Crosby,

Ah, yes. It has been a splendid season indeed. 4-0! Who would have guessed? Things are going great! But now, hated Bears come to Lambeau. Yes, the Grizzly Bears are struggling, but this is a rivalry game....anything can happen. Anyway, I'm writing to make sure you two guys don't screw it up: the undefeated record, that is. You see, Chicago traded away their best offensive player (inexplicably), their quarterback situation resembles diarrhea, and the defense looks like a M.A.S.H. unit. The one bright spot is thier kick returner. You guys can go 5-0 if, and only if, YOU DON'T KICK THE BALL TO DEVIN HESTER. Never. Not once. I beg of you.

Johnny Boy. Our favorite red headed punter. Listen up, this is important! When you punt either: A) kick it out of bounds, or B) boot it through the end zone into the 10th. Trust me, things will go a lot smoother that way. Again: out of bounds, or waaaaaaaay into the end zone. If you can drill some lard ass in an Urlacher jersey, even better. Got it???

Mase, my man! Big win for your Buffs this weekend! Congrats! Enough of the bullshit. You get the chance to kickoff to the Bears once to start the game (or right after halftime) and after every Packer field goal or touchdown. Hopefully your leg gets quite a workout. Your job is to A) kick the shit out of the ball out of the end zone, or, if you can't do that B) squib it. Kick it right at that 3rd string tight end in the second row of defense. Hell, I'll even give you a third choice: C) kick it straight up in the air sooooo high that someone has to signal for a fair catch...you know, just like punts. Let them start every drive at the 40. That's better than the alternative. You will thank me. In turn, we will thank you.

I hope you receive this letter in time for Sunday night's game, Green Bay is kind of an outpost.

Thank You,
Every Packer Fan With The Teams Best Interest In Mind