Monday, July 9, 2007

Patrick Out at ESPN

Dan Patrick announced today that he is leaving ESPN. The reason given was the standard one: to pursue other interests.

However, Chuckie Hacks has learned that Patrick was asked to leave ESPN by the National Oceanic & Atmospheric Administration officials because his enourmous ego was affecting atmospheric conditions in and around Bristol, CT.

"We determined that Mr. Patrick's expanding ego was disrupting weather patterns, bird migrations, radio frequencies, air traffic and ocean water levels" said a senior official at NOAA, who declined to be identified due to the sensitive nature of this negotiation. "We saw the same thing with Kilborn and Olberman - Bristol's airspace simply couldn't handle their superegos."

Patrick is widely assumed to be relocating to an area with more stable atmospheric conditions that can withstand the continued growth of his ego, such as Washington, DC, New York or Los Angeles.

When asked why the superego of Chris Berman was not affecting the Bristol atmosphere, the NOAA official cited his "tremendous girth" as a counter-balance to his ego.

"Basically, so long as Mr. Berman remains in the 320 pound range his weight/ego ratio will remain at acceptable levels for the Bristol airspace," the official said.


Anonymous said...

Who's ready to hear Berman belt out "Backbackbackback...GONE!" about 279 times tonight? Not me.

Anonymous said...

Dan Patrick must was probably fooling around with an intern. Or maybe he was fooling around with those Rice-A-Roni people the whole time.

Anonymous said...

Are we sure that Patrick didn't pull a Salisbury?