Thursday, June 7, 2007

WIAA State Baseball Predictions

With the WIAA State Baseball Tourney about to start, it’s once again time to predict the winners by mascot…just like basketball. By division, throw each mascot in a cage and let them fight to the death…last mascot standing is my predicted champion. This would also be intriguing in real life, don’t you think?

Division 1
Racine Park Ghettos Panthers
Wisconsin Lutheran Warriors
LaCrosse Logan Rangers
Kimberly Papermakers
Eau Claire North Huskies
Sun Prairie Cardinals
Madison Memorial Spartans

Ah, Kimberly is back! Like I said before, handing out paper cuts just won’t do it. Sun Prairie is helpless, as is Logan. Those Ranger’s binoculars won’t scare anybody…except for the hot chick across the street from McManus’ house. I say the Warriors beat the Spartans (bow and arrow trumps a shield), and the Panthers eek out a battle with the Huskies. That leaves the Panthers and Warriors. This particular Indian is a poor shot (after an evening of too much peyote), leaving Racine Park victorious!

Division 2
Fox Valley Lutheran Foxes
Platteville Hillmen
Amery Warriors
Waupun Warriors

Political correctness has apparently bypassed the cities of Amery and Waupun. Both HS nicknames are the Warriors, about 2 decades after most schools decided to stop “offending” Native Americans on a daily basis. Doesn’t matter anyway…in this little game, similar mascots bludgeon each other to extinction. It’s the Hillmen (aka, Miner) and Foxes. Miners have shovels, Foxes have rabies. Fox Valley Lutheran it is!

Division 3
Stevens Point Pacelli Cardinals
LaCrosse Aquinas Blugolds
Eau Claire Regis Ramblers
Kenosha St. Joe’s Lancers

Just like the hoops tournament, the D3 field is all Bible Thumping schools. No matter. We fight to the death here at Chuck Hacks, parochial school or not! Aquinas is out. I still have no idea what a Blugold is, despite graduating from a college (UW-Eau Claire) with the same nickname. Good thing this wasn’t asked before receiving the diploma. To be honest, I have no idea what a Rambler is also. Wasn’t there a POS car from the 70’s called a Rambler? We’ll use that. The Cards don’t stand a chance, so it’s basically a Knight with a long pole vaulting stick (St. Joe’s) vs a car. Advantage: EC Regis Ramblers.

Division 4
Abbotsford Falcons
Hurley Midgets (WTF?)
DeSoto Pirates
Johnson Creek Blue Jays

Alright, who the hell nicknamed Hurley the Midgets? I need to know. Birds don’t fare well in my estimation, eliminating JC and Abbotsford. Abby does get bonus points for using the sweet 1980s Atlanta Falcon’s logo. Pirates and Midgets. The Pirates eye patch hinders its view of the little people as they repeatedly work on slugging DeSoto’s onions one at a time. This is just too much to handle as Hurley makes the 1,429 mile trek home with the gold ball.


Anonymous said...

A shout out to Hurley and no mention of the 4 titty bars in a 2 block stretch??

woziszeus said...

Just be sure to do a State Baseball Prediction for WIAA Summer Baseball...those are the real teams (Kimberly Papermakers? Is that some sort of joke?).

AP said...

Solid work, BC. Good read.

Anonymous said...

Of course the Midgets will bring the trophy home to Hurley. Remember what the Ewoks did to the Empire in Return of the Jedi? Never underestimate short beings!

-Not so anonymous Jake

Anonymous said...

Hurley should import some 7 footers from Europe to play basketball. Just so the other team shits themselves when they see 3 7 footers on the Midgets.

AP said...

NSA Jake, I just hope the midgets don't chop off the heads of their opponents (victims) and play them like xylophones.

BC said...

Thanks AP. I've been getting nausiated by the same old Brewer hitting, DBow sucks, the lead is shrinking...blah, blah, blah. You will see another one of these come football season.

Goldy said...

Park can go suck a big one. Most hated high school ever. Now back when I played, the less than mighty Eagles of Case handed it to Park several times.