I must admit, anything more complex than OPS and WHIP…K-bye, I’m not interested. Oh, I understand their usefulness - to a point. This rant goes out to VORP. VORP is everywhere, a new age OBP. I know what it means – Value Over Replacement Player – but can’t understand it in practice. Why is this “replacement player” a fictions Joe Schmoe used in everybody’s VORP calculation? Don’t some teams have better substitute players at certain positions than others? How about two years ago when the Crew started the year with Counsinino at third base? His replacement (Ryan Braun) was an infinitely better option. Does Counsinino have a negative VORP? No, because all “replacement players” are equal according to the formula. Makes no sense. My calculations come to the conclusion that VORP is a big pile of stank.
Yet, I did throw a few numbers together and create some new statistics for the Brewers. We might have to keep track of these.
RIBBS (Ryan Is Banging Busty Sluts) – Number of hot chicks Braun destroys in a 162 game season. Use a multiplier of 1.25 after hitting a game-winning bomb….the quality of poon increases. Use a multiplier of 6.29 if he’s out with this hat. 2009 Projection: Infinity
WHOPPER (When Has Overweight Prince Practiced Eating Restraint) – As a percentage of total meals. Career Number: %0.000. 2009 Projection: %0.001 – I predict he'll accidently drink a diet Coke, confusing it with liquid chocolate.
NYPPI (Ned Yost Postgame Press Interview) – Percent of interviews that Yosted sounds like a condescending asshole. 2009 Projection: ZERO, HE'S GONE!!!
TAPS (Take A Pitch, Stupid) – Most of the team scores well in this category, but it’s originally created for Corkey Hart. Percent of bad pitches the Brewers watch, rather than swing at. 2009 Projections: Brewers: Lower than the league average. Hart: Death Valley-low.
OUCH (OUts Caught Hurt) – Number of innings caught by our Curious George-looking catcher. 2009 Projection: Every damn one.
ASSS (Average Shitty Starts from Suppan) – Percentage of starts from Jeff Suppan that are considered shitty. Career Number: %50. Last month of 2008: %100. 2009 Projection: %62
UMPH (Untimely Miles Per Hour) – In MPH, the speed of a Trevor Hoffman changeup which is guessed correctly by opposing batter and moosed into Bernie’s Terrace. 2009 Projection: Hopefully this stat isn’t used.