Monday, October 22, 2007

Meet Captain D-Bag

I was a key component to the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen on a golf course in my years of hitting the links.

It involves a short-tempered, 50-ish foul-mouthed, red-faced spaz of a man who I will refer to as Captain Douchebag (or Captain D-bag for short).

Goldy, Hanner and I decide to play some golf on Sunday morning at Mee-Kwon, since it's supposed to be 75 and it's October 21. We tee off a little after 7, behind this threesome that looks like your typical Sunday morning hackers you'll find at Mee-Kwon. They suck - probably shoot in the 100s without counting all of their mulligans. Captain D-bag has an interesting move where he falls backwards on every tee shot, taking a few steps back after contact. I'm guessing they don't teach that at the Ledbetter Academy.

The front nine is uneventful - we're not playing that well either and spend lots of time looking for drives in the rough because of all of the damn leaves. Basically, we don't wait too much on the guys in front of us.

We get to 12 or 13 (can't remember) and don't see anybody ahead of us, so I tee it up and poke one down the middle, right by the 150 stake. Goldy gets ready to tee off next, and then I tell him to hold up, because Captain D-bag is strolling out to the fairway from behind a bunch of pines in the left rough, raising his hands. OK - so they're still out there. My bad.

Then Captain D-bag does the first of many ridiculous things - as he walks back to the rough to no doubt look for his second or third shot, he waves his arms back at us as if to say "you idiots".

Hanner doesn't enjoy this, and just yells "we couldn't see you." And we couldn't - all of these clowns were deep in the forest of pines.

Captain D-bag, in what will become a trend, yells back "oh stick it up your ass."

OK. That was a little uncalled for.

They manage to make their way down the hole, and we finish teeing off and get up to the green. This is when things get really interesting.

Captain D-bag is clearly waiting for us. He starts screaming right when one of his playing partners is teeing off, causing him to chop the ball about 5 yards off the front of the tee. He yells all sorts of unintelligible babble, something about how we are supposed to wait our turn, and they've been waiting on the group in front of them all day, and that's how it's supposed to work, and that we're "just f'ing inpatient and should wait our f'ing turn, you could see us and you just hit." And on and on. Captain D-bag is really working himself into a lather at this point, in really the most ridiculous tirade I've seen.

Hanner is all fired up about this, and of course has some choice words back to this clown. My personal favorite was "you have as much class as my left ass cheek, you f'ing fag." Captain D-bag finishes his tirade, then drives off to go collect his 74-yard drive.

I'm speechless. His playing partners look like they want to dig a hole and crawl into it. To their credit, they come up to me and say "don't worry about him, that's just him, you guys are fine, blah blah". I tell them they should look into finding a new playing partner.

I've actually never seen a piece of work like Captain D-bag. It isn't as if we'd been hitting into him all day. Once. And it wasn't like I almost hit him. I was right down the middle - D-bag and his mates were 100 yards left of the fairway.

So if anyone is ever playing at Mee-Kwon and sees a little loud angry red-faced man wearing a Wisconsin hat, you might want to get behind him for some comedy on the course.

3 comments:

woziszeus said...

Should have called him a Billups. He would have had no reply to that.

Goldy said...

It was amazing. As Hanner mentioned, I am sure the entire back nine heard the exchange. It was unbelievable. That drive had to land at least 100 yards away from them. That guy was an f'ing moron and I informed him about that several times.

The billups response would have been solid.

tony said...

Damn it! I knew I should have cancelled my prior engagements, however Hanner made for an excellent playing partner in this scenario.

It should be noted for those Hack readers how haven’t had the pleasure of playing with you Matt, that if you did “hit into” D-Bag and his group that would mean their second shot that they were looking for in the rough/ forest was approximately 133 yards from the tee.